Reacting When Our Corner of the Stage Gets Overlooked

Last night was our three year old daughter's first school performance. The class was going to sing two songs. She was so excited. She insisted on wearing her "sparkle dress" and wanted her hair curled. Her grandparents were coming to watch and she was excited about being on the "big stage".

As the time came for her class to move onto the platform it was clear by watching her she was confused. She kept her back to the audience as she watched her teacher place several of her classmates in their place. Once the teacher exited the stage, Aubrey tried to get the teacher's attention, but the music started and the singing began.

I watched as I saw Aubrey wipe her eyes. I knew she was upset, but what could I do. I thought maybe she simply couldn't find mom and dad in the audience so I moved closer so she could see me. She bolted off the stage to a teacher seated on the front row and cried. The teacher consoled her and finally talked her into going back on the stage for the second song. She simply sat by the teacher on stage and didn't sing or do the motions.

After the song was over the other kids went and sat back down with her class. However, I knew how upset she was, so I simply grabbed her by the hand and led her back to where we were sitting. She promptly stated she wanted her papa and she buried her head in his chest and cried. My heart sank. At this point I was still thinking she just had a case of stage fright, we've all experienced it before.

When she finally got to where she could talk she said, "Mommy, my teacher didn't put me in my spot. She put everyone else in their spot, but I got left out. I didn't have any tape to stand on."

The mind of a three year old is complex and each child is different. While her classmates were simply enjoying the music and singing, Aubrey was worried about being in the right place.

It certainly wasn't the teacher's intention to not place Aubrey on her spot. She wanted each one of her students to perform to the best of their ability and have a great time.

Aubrey had practiced so hard and was so excited to have her moment on stage, but a little confusion at the beginning had completely set the event on a different course.

As the program concluded and we got ready to leave, Aubrey again said, "But mommy they didn't put me in my spot." She was clearly upset and I asked her if she wanted to go talk to her teacher, "yes!". She scrambled out of her papa's arms and held my hand as we made our way to the teacher. Aubrey promptly walked up to her teacher, tugged on her pants leg and said, "Hey! You put me in the wrong spot."

(I cringed a little as I heard the words come out of her mouth. Not the most eloquent declaration, but straight from the hurt of a three year old's heart.)

The teacher's response was, "I didn't put you in the wrong spot, you got in the wrong spot." I was shocked that there was no consoling, no apology . . . nothing but a "it wasn't my fault it was yours" to a three year old that was hurt. (I had to keep my mommy mojo in check at this point.)

However, regardless of the response. I was very proud of my three year old for expressing her heart to her teacher. It is an action I will continue to encourage as I want her to develop assertiveness, something I have always struggled with. As a southern woman, we're often taught socially to be more reserved at expressing our opinions. I agree there are times when this certainly is the case. However, when you're conditioned in this manner it also makes it more difficult to begin to assert one's self when the occassion does demand it. I'm not referring to merely stating one's opinion, but the ability to logically reason and build a case to support it.

The moment does, however, bring to light how emotions can sometimes cloud or muddy what it is we really want to say and initiates a defensive response from another party.

In the grand scheme of life, this is one small performance that will be forgotten in time. It was no one's intent for anyone's feelings to get hurt. In fact, everyone desired to have a wonderful celebratory time, but as so often is the case we get busy trying to take care of business and someone gets lost in the shuffle.

In these instances, one has to look at the intent and past experiences. I know from having talked and observed Aubrey's teacher in the past that she truly loves my daughter and wants to see her blossom and grow. She would never intentionally cause her pain- physical or emotional. I also know that keeping up with several little ones is a handful and just keeping them all accounted for is a task. Likewise, Aubrey wanted nothing more than to do what she had practiced for weeks- sing and dance from her little spot of the stage, not just any spot on the stage- her spot, but she needed help finding it.

I could have gone into mama bear mode when the teacher responded in the manner she did, but what would it have accomplished . . . more hurt, more confusion for a three year old, and ultimately more damage to undo.

Instead as I put my daughter to bed, I told her how proud her daddy and I were of her for being brave enough to share with the teacher how she felt.(I may regret this at times when she is a teenager, but it is par for the course.) I told her next time not to worry about where she was on that stage, but to boldly sing and move from the spot she was in. I also encouraged her to love her teacher because we all make mistakes.

Having to coach my little one through this moment, made me re-examine this issue in myself. It is so easy to conceive someone's intent was negative rather than think that perhaps it simply was miscommunication, misinterpretation or a mistake pure and simple. Rather than react because our little spot of the stage was overlooked, perhaps we take the time to examine what we know to be true and consistent about an individual's intent and move forward with that in mind.

Additionally, my three year old put no thought into the incident of last night this morning.  She had put it behind her and was ready to experience another day at school. How often as adults we need to do the same thing . . . put the issue behind us and move on, rather than harbor and massage those feelings of hurt.

I know this is the first of many learning moments in parenting. I have a feeling as I continue to try to teach my daughter that I'll be learning just as much, if not more, from each experience valuable lessons that I too can apply to everyday life.