Reacting When Our Corner of the Stage Gets Overlooked

Last night was our three year old daughter's first school performance. The class was going to sing two songs. She was so excited. She insisted on wearing her "sparkle dress" and wanted her hair curled. Her grandparents were coming to watch and she was excited about being on the "big stage".

As the time came for her class to move onto the platform it was clear by watching her she was confused. She kept her back to the audience as she watched her teacher place several of her classmates in their place. Once the teacher exited the stage, Aubrey tried to get the teacher's attention, but the music started and the singing began.

I watched as I saw Aubrey wipe her eyes. I knew she was upset, but what could I do. I thought maybe she simply couldn't find mom and dad in the audience so I moved closer so she could see me. She bolted off the stage to a teacher seated on the front row and cried. The teacher consoled her and finally talked her into going back on the stage for the second song. She simply sat by the teacher on stage and didn't sing or do the motions.

After the song was over the other kids went and sat back down with her class. However, I knew how upset she was, so I simply grabbed her by the hand and led her back to where we were sitting. She promptly stated she wanted her papa and she buried her head in his chest and cried. My heart sank. At this point I was still thinking she just had a case of stage fright, we've all experienced it before.

When she finally got to where she could talk she said, "Mommy, my teacher didn't put me in my spot. She put everyone else in their spot, but I got left out. I didn't have any tape to stand on."

The mind of a three year old is complex and each child is different. While her classmates were simply enjoying the music and singing, Aubrey was worried about being in the right place.

It certainly wasn't the teacher's intention to not place Aubrey on her spot. She wanted each one of her students to perform to the best of their ability and have a great time.

Aubrey had practiced so hard and was so excited to have her moment on stage, but a little confusion at the beginning had completely set the event on a different course.

As the program concluded and we got ready to leave, Aubrey again said, "But mommy they didn't put me in my spot." She was clearly upset and I asked her if she wanted to go talk to her teacher, "yes!". She scrambled out of her papa's arms and held my hand as we made our way to the teacher. Aubrey promptly walked up to her teacher, tugged on her pants leg and said, "Hey! You put me in the wrong spot."

(I cringed a little as I heard the words come out of her mouth. Not the most eloquent declaration, but straight from the hurt of a three year old's heart.)

The teacher's response was, "I didn't put you in the wrong spot, you got in the wrong spot." I was shocked that there was no consoling, no apology . . . nothing but a "it wasn't my fault it was yours" to a three year old that was hurt. (I had to keep my mommy mojo in check at this point.)

However, regardless of the response. I was very proud of my three year old for expressing her heart to her teacher. It is an action I will continue to encourage as I want her to develop assertiveness, something I have always struggled with. As a southern woman, we're often taught socially to be more reserved at expressing our opinions. I agree there are times when this certainly is the case. However, when you're conditioned in this manner it also makes it more difficult to begin to assert one's self when the occassion does demand it. I'm not referring to merely stating one's opinion, but the ability to logically reason and build a case to support it.

The moment does, however, bring to light how emotions can sometimes cloud or muddy what it is we really want to say and initiates a defensive response from another party.

In the grand scheme of life, this is one small performance that will be forgotten in time. It was no one's intent for anyone's feelings to get hurt. In fact, everyone desired to have a wonderful celebratory time, but as so often is the case we get busy trying to take care of business and someone gets lost in the shuffle.

In these instances, one has to look at the intent and past experiences. I know from having talked and observed Aubrey's teacher in the past that she truly loves my daughter and wants to see her blossom and grow. She would never intentionally cause her pain- physical or emotional. I also know that keeping up with several little ones is a handful and just keeping them all accounted for is a task. Likewise, Aubrey wanted nothing more than to do what she had practiced for weeks- sing and dance from her little spot of the stage, not just any spot on the stage- her spot, but she needed help finding it.

I could have gone into mama bear mode when the teacher responded in the manner she did, but what would it have accomplished . . . more hurt, more confusion for a three year old, and ultimately more damage to undo.

Instead as I put my daughter to bed, I told her how proud her daddy and I were of her for being brave enough to share with the teacher how she felt.(I may regret this at times when she is a teenager, but it is par for the course.) I told her next time not to worry about where she was on that stage, but to boldly sing and move from the spot she was in. I also encouraged her to love her teacher because we all make mistakes.

Having to coach my little one through this moment, made me re-examine this issue in myself. It is so easy to conceive someone's intent was negative rather than think that perhaps it simply was miscommunication, misinterpretation or a mistake pure and simple. Rather than react because our little spot of the stage was overlooked, perhaps we take the time to examine what we know to be true and consistent about an individual's intent and move forward with that in mind.

Additionally, my three year old put no thought into the incident of last night this morning.  She had put it behind her and was ready to experience another day at school. How often as adults we need to do the same thing . . . put the issue behind us and move on, rather than harbor and massage those feelings of hurt.

I know this is the first of many learning moments in parenting. I have a feeling as I continue to try to teach my daughter that I'll be learning just as much, if not more, from each experience valuable lessons that I too can apply to everyday life.

Self-Preservation: Find Your Happy Place And Go There Often

Last week I was ill, overexhausted and just over everything. The time change was  probably part of it, my body trying to adjust, but there was no one event that led to my attitude it was a build up of multiple things.

Work has been incredibly busy the last few months, we were leading up to a big event so there was the anticipation of it looming. Aubrey has been in a toddler tantrum phase off and on the last couple of months. (We think she is cutting her molars, but I think many of the tantrums are due to her not knowing how to cope with not getting her way.)  In addition to the tantrums, she was incredibly clingy last week and only wanted mommy to do things for her. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her having a meltdown. So, needless to say, I had finally reached my breaking point. I could feel the tension and stress building inside, but I couldn't see an end in sight. I knew what I needed, I needed a break. I needed a few hours of solitude, but I didn't know when in the world I was going to find it and I felt a little guilty for even needing it.

Everyone has their own way of destressing. For me, an introvert, I get rejuvenated when I can have some time to myself. As a mom, however, that time is few and far between. My solitude time used to be when I was getting a shower, but even those get interrupted now by the pitter patter of little feet on the tile bathroom floor in the early morning. The shower door flings open letting the cold air into my little sauna and I see a little blur stripping off her pajamas and declaring, "I want to get a shower too mommy". Alas, where do I find a little me time.

It is amazing how God places little events in your life that bring clarity. Last week as I was in my stressed and tired state of being, everyone around me could see it. My co-workers and family made comments letting me know they could see my fatigue (they politely left out the stressed part, but I knew what they meant).  By the time the end of week approached, both my family and co-workers could tell I had reached my limit. I knew I had to change my attitude, but I didn't know how. Luckily for me, my attitude intervention came in the unlikeliest of places  . . . a home improvement store. Yes, that is right.

One of the projects at work last week was the re-painting of the conference room. I love to paint, so I had volunteered to organize the work. After lunch, my boss, a colleague and I headed off to get the needed paint supplies. I was in my element. I knew what was needed. I was excited about the project and the outcome, so my spirits were immediately lifted. Painting to me is therapeautic because you are transforming something- a room, a piece of furniture. You're giving it new life. Just getting the project organized transformed my attitude. I remarked to my co-workers that if they see me in an ill mood for them to suggest I make a trip to Lowe's on my lunch hour and I meant it.

If a simple trip to a home improvement store where I could imagine the possibilities of a project, focus on a tangible project with immediate results, and be a little creative had the ability to completely change my attitude, then it is definitely something I need to be aware of. It may sound silly, but if that little 30 minute trip can lift my spirits and get me out of a funk then it is worth it.

Our attitudes and frame of mind affect the people around us. If we're aware we have a bad attitude, it is up to us to turn it around. We often know what events, people, and circumstances can trigger our negative reactions, but have you taken the time to discover those items that evoke positive reactions in you? 

Your happy trigger may be reading a good book, watching a movie, going for a walk, taking a drive on the backroads, listening to music, or visiting with a good friend. Regardless of the activity, it is important to make sure that we know those happy triggers and we take care to weave them into our lives often. It is what keeps us sane and able to juggle all of the many responsiblities we have. It keeps us in the right frame of mind.

So to keep from reaching your breaking point, find your happy triggers whatever they may be and make them a part of your life . . . weekly. It isn't selfish, it is in fact self-preservation. One of our biggest jobs as a mom is taking care of ourself so we can take care of everyone else.

Okay, so I've shared with you that one of my happy triggers is a short-term project that allows me to be a little creative and hands-on. Now I want to hear from you! What are your happy triggers?

Reclaiming Your Skills, Talents and Abilities and Restoring Your Purpose

One of my favorite hobbies is refinishing furniture. I love to find a piece that someone else has deemed no longer worthy of occupying their space and restoring its purpose.

While working on my most recent piece, a 1940s vanity, I couldn't help but wonder what a prized piece of furniture it must have been in its prime. When did it begin to lose its luster in the eyes of its owner? At what point was it determined the value was no more?

When I discovered the vanity, it was a little scuffed and scratched, but was structurally sound. It could still serve its main purpose in its current state, it just didn't offer the shiny, "pretty" exterior it once did.

As I sanded and painted and gave the piece the exterior treatment I wanted to make it perfect for my intended purpose, I couldn't help but think how this piece represents so many people. Do you know anyone who possesses talents, skills or abilities that they somewhere along the way lost sight of? Not regularly exercising those abilities, led to those skills being forgotten about and no longer valued by their possessor. As a result, the individual with those talents began to forget about their own personal value and worth.

As a follower of Christ, I know I have been blessed with talents, skills and abilities that have been uniquely gifted to me. We each have been uniquely gifted. We may not always recognize the value of the gifts we possess, but to the friend, co-worker or partner who lacks those same gifts the talent is priceless.  Don't let your God-given talents, skills and abilities become unclaimed property. Reclaim it and use those skills so that all those around you have an opportunity to see how God has equipped you. You'll not only feel more value in knowing you are being used for your intended unique purpose, but you'll also be viewed as more valuable by others.

Romans 12: 3 - 8

For by the grace given to me, I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he should think. Instead, think sensibly, as God has distributed a measure of faith to each of you. Now as we have many parts in one body, and all the parts do not have the same function, in the same way we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another. According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If prophecy, use it according to the standard of one's faith; if service, in service; if teaching, in teaching; if exhorting, in exhortation; giving, with generosity; leading, with diligence; showing mercy, with cheerfulness.