I have no answers on this topic, but simply hope to open up the conversation and learn from more experienced moms about how they deal with mommy guilt. I'm a working mom, but I'm sure it affects those who are stay-at-home-moms, moms who work from home, and those like me who work outside the home.
Why is it that when my husband and I do something without Aubrey I feel mommy guilt? I'm okay with dinner and a movie out, but when it comes to spending a full day away from her on a weekend or taking a weekend trip I feel incredibly guilty. I'm very fortunate that I have parents and in-laws who welcome the opportunity to care for my daughter for overnight stays, but having wonderful family members caring for her doesn't negate the mommy guilt that creeps up.
I've had conversations with a couple of friends and know I'm not alone on experiencing mommy guilt. (Side note: Apparently daddy guilt is a syndrome that never hits my husband. I'm curious, does daddy guilt exist?)
A year ago, when my daughter was one, we went on a cruise as a family. Shea was not very excited about taking a toddler on the cruise, but I couldn't justify in my mind taking forty hours of leave from work and not spending them with her. We had a good time and Aubrey did pretty good, but it certainly wasn't the relaxing vacation we had prior to being parents. Of course, I think those days are simply over once you become a parent, because regardless of if she is with us or not, we're both thinking of her, checking in on her, etc. I still don't regret for one minute taking her. In fact, I think I would have had a hard time enjoying myself if we hadn't taken her with us.
However, I really want to get to the point that I don't feel guilty if I'm away from her. I know she benefits greatly from spending time with her grandparents and they throughly enjoy their time with her. I would also just like to enjoy a day with girlfriends from time to time without feeling selfish.
Shea and I are planning a weekend get away to Atlanta soon to attend a concert, take in a Brave's game and just do some other fun things in the area. The grandparents are splitting up the weekend between them to each have a turn to keep Aubrey for a day and night. I know she'll be in great hands, be wonderfully spoiled, and probably not miss us for a second, so I am determining to not let mommy guilt get me.
So to the experience moms I ask- does the mommy guilt dissipate with time or with more children? What did you find helped you keep your mommy guilt in check and allowed you to enjoy your time away from your kids?
At some point and time we've all experienced the same emotions, whether a single twenty something, a new mother, or a seasoned professional there have been moments in our lives when we questioned our abilities, our purpose, and our sanity. This blog is dedicated to helping women connect, find resources, and learn from the experiences of others. We'll touch on a variety of topics, so check in often and share your experiences with us too.
You most certainly are not without good company when it comes to what you describe as "mommy guilt".
ReplyDeleteI believe with all my heart that there is something divine from the time of conception that somehow connects you with your child.
It's true that the cord connects you physically but I believe on another level there is something incredibly strong for mothers that makes the parent/child experience almost as if there was never a time when you were seperate.
Some mothers seem to manage this ordeal with grace.
I am not one of those mothers. After years of infertility treatments, having my son was an awesome event. I kept a book of the first days where I wrote the most special thoughts about him and some of the plans I had for him. Over the years, my life revolved entirely around him as I was a single mother raising him alone at a very early age. I was there for every swimming lesson, soccer practice, voice lesson, PTA meeting, parent days at school or just to volunteer. Where he was, I was. Everything--from clothing, toys, making sure he had plenty of opportunities to grow in every facet of his life. I became his driver, his cheerleader, his ticket to basically any thought he had in mind. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have had it any other way because he is my world.
So I don't want this to sound resentful in any way because I'm not any of that but looking back, I wish I had taken some time for myself without him. I believe it would have made a world of difference in my ability to function without him now. Trust me when I say that every child has to grow into an autonomous adult. In reality, that is what we mothers work so hard all of our lives to raise is children who can stand on their own two feet. We want that...we do, so now fast forward and he's 18 and a charming young man with hopes and dreams that I never could have imagined for him, with choices and priorities that are not mine, yet a very good mind and very big heart that somehow allow me to see some of my own reflection. With this growth and change in his life, I am now independent and free--but my mind keeps expecting to cook dinner for the two of us (as my husband is away alot), wondering what Chautauqua show he will audition for next and shopping for things he would like (knowing full well whatever I pick would be too old fashioned and no where near what he would like)
Life goes on though and he plans to move out, move to Tallahassee, learn to cut hair and finish the three classes he will need for his AA.
If I could give you two pieces of free advice from what I've learned within my experience--I would want you to (1) always trust your inner gutt feeling about your child(ren), as part of that inner knowing about what is best for your child(ren) (2) have goals for yourself every year that don't include her/them because you are two individuals and when she goes away to college/gets married or decides to hang glide off a cliff in the Grand Canyon--despite your concerns, you will have something to do so that you can be a sane healthy person :) (not that you aren't now)
(note: you will need those girlfriends to chat with at some point in your life--so it would be best to have girls night out every now and then)
and me...with my job ending June 30th (a job that I love and never expected to lose) I have got to now find something to occupy my time, while I cringe with uncertainty and bite my nails wondering how things are going to turn out
.....
signing out, till your next question :)